Distance
by catsinthevoid
Summary: You were worried that Hell or holy water would hurt me, but nothing could destroy me like losing you...so, stay?
1. Apart

Crowley had fallen for Aziraphale the moment he had told him he'd given the flaming sword away. How could he not? The angels he knew had been bureaucratic and stuffy, caring more about procedure and propriety than the people they were supposed to protect. But Aziraphale was _different_. He cared, and cared deeply, for everyone around him, even a demon like himself. He gave away his sword, not even thinking about the consequences, because the humans needed to protect themselves. He shielded Crowley, someone who should've been his enemy, from the first rainfall because he was _kind_. Crowley was absolutely enchanted and knew in that moment that he would be the angel's new sword, protecting him should trouble arise and staying close, whether the angel knew it or not. He made sure to help Aziraphale escape when he was caught up in the French Revolution, saved him from the nazis in World War II, and was there for every moment in between. Over time they became closer, became friends, and Crowley's feelings didn't waver. If anything they became stronger. Crowley knew that Aziraphale was a being of love, and that he loved Crowley, but that he would never be in love with him. Crowley had accepted this, or at least told himself he had. As long as he could see him, as long as he was okay, as long as Crowley could make him smile that radiant and blinding smile that lit up his whole face, then he was happy.

Until the antichrist was born Crowley had mostly kept his distance from the angel, popping up here and there when needed, but never staying a steady presence. He didn't want to scare Aziraphale with how ardently he adored him so he stayed away, both physically and emotionally. There were a few moments where he had let his guard down, where he stayed because he couldn't help himself, and almost told the other man how he felt. These moments usually happened in the back room of Aziraphale's bookshop after copious amounts of alcohol when the man was smiling at him just so, light blue eyes alight and face flushed. But Crowley kept himself in check. He had been told that he moved too fast, after all, and he didn't want to ruin the friendship that they had so painstakingly built. So he kept quiet and he made boundaries in his head, lines that should never be crossed. It was hard when they were raising Warlock together; they were suddenly around each other all the time and Crowley wanted, oh how he wanted, to drop all of his defenses and let the other know how he was feeling. Show him how deeply six thousand years of love ran. Helping to raise the boy felt so domestic and he began to wish for a simple life where he and Aziraphale could just be. No heaven or hell to please. A human life, he realized. They could live together in the bookshop; Crowley would bring his plants. They could start a family all their own. The thoughts came unbidden in his mind and he quickly tossed them aside. They were impossible and clearly crossing all the boundaries he had made up.

As the apocalypse drew nearer they came to the realization that the nuns had mixed up the children. The real antichrist could be anywhere, he was in Hell's bad books, and they were running out of time. He had asked Aziraphale to run away with him. Said they could go anywhere in the universe, go off to Alpha Centauri together before the Earth turned into a puddle of goo. Aziraphale had refused, said he was being ridiculous. They weren't friends, he had said, they were an angel and a demon, they were hereditary enemies. He had broken Crowley's heart.

"_I'm going home, Angel. I'm getting my stuff and I'm leaving. And when I'm off in the stars I won't even think about you._" Crowley had said it. He'd been hurt. It was a lie and he was sure they both knew it. He'd never stop thinking about the angel. And he knew Aziraphale hadn't meant what he said, not completely at least, because after everything they'd been through together on their six thousand years on Earth they knew each other better than anyone. They knew that they were friends, even if duty prevented the angel from admitting it.

Crowley was hurt, but he still loved Aziraphale more than anything. He began to pick up the pieces of his heart when he felt it, or rather, suddenly he didn't feel anything at all. After centuries of watching over Aziraphale he had developed a sort of keen awareness of where the other man was at all times. He was sure he could find the angel anywhere on Earth, could just sense his presence. To suddenly not feel anything was jarring. He sped to the bookshop in Soho to find it in flames with no one inside. Someone had killed his best friend. He didn't even think that was possible, but he was gone. Aziraphale was dead and he never told him how he felt. Aziraphale would never know that Crowley thought the world of him, not just the world- Heaven and Hell too. He'd loved him since Eden and cared for him more than anything on Earth- more than his Bentley, more than the Earth itself really. He realized with a start that if everything in the universe was destroyed and nothing but himself and Aziraphale remained he would survive, but with Aziraphale gone, even though the whole world was there, Crowley was crumbling. If Aziraphale's words had broken Crowley's heart then this had absolutely gutted him. There would be no recovering from this. Aziraphale was gone and he had taken Crowley's heart with him. Without his presence the world felt like a stranger, but he no longer felt the need to leave. He wouldn't go to the stars, wouldn't see Alpha Centauri. He was going to get black out drunk and let the world crash around him. The world was ending and Crowley didn't care because his world was already gone.


	2. Together

Crowley was absolutely shaking when Aziraphale returned to him, discorporated but otherwise well, with directions to go to the Tadfield Airbase. Everything had went down so fast. One minute he was mourning the loss of his best friend and the next he was helping to stop the end of the world. It was emotional to say the least. He was happy with the way things turned out, really he was, but just hours earlier he had thought he had lost everything...it was hard to jump back from that. After the apocalypse-that-wasn't everything had settled almost back to normal. The world wasn't ending, their respective offices were leaving them alone for now, and Aziraphale was alive and well. Crowley should be happy, and he supposed he was, really, but he had thought he'd lost Aziraphale forever. He was still in shock and his mind was reeling with the thoughts that Aziraphale could've died without ever knowing Crowley's feelings for him. Though he was sure that his feelings were known by now and Aziraphale was simply ignoring them out of politeness because he didn't feel the same, Crowley would regret it forever if something happened to the angel and he hadn't made his feelings clear. And with the way Heaven and Hell were feeling toward them it was very possible that something would happen eventually. So Crowley decided that, after their dinner at the Ritz, he would confess. He would pour out 6000 years of yearning and love and hope for the best. It was possible this would destroy everything, and he couldn't bare the thought of losing Aziraphale twice, but he also couldn't stand to have his feelings stay unknown. He hoped that, if nothing else, Aziraphale would feel flattered by his love, take pity on his soul, and continue to stay in his life. Luck had taken his side in Armageddon, maybe it would take his side tonight too?

The dinner was delicious and the talk was pleasant. After they were finished Crowley miracled away the bill and they left the restaurant. Crowley was a mess of emotions, but he pushed on.

"Lift home, angel?" Crowley asked.

"Ah, yes, thank you," Aziraphale responded and they got in the car.

Crowley started the Bentley and, like always, Queen began to play softly in the background. "Love of my life, you've hurt me. You've broken my heart and now you leave me. Love of my life can't you see? Bri-" Crowley turned his car off immediately. It had a habit of broadcasting his emotions and while it was true that Aziraphale was the love of his life and that he was still hurting from when he left Crowley didn't need the Bentley to declare it. He definitely didn't need Aziraphale to hear it. He had to tell him himself.

"Angel…" he began, not really knowing where to begin.

"Yes dear?"

"I need to tell you something and it's very important so I need you to listen."

"Oh? What is it?"

"I-" Crowley choked. There were so many things he could say, so many emotions running through him. He felt the pulse he didn't need to have thrumming through his veins and almost thought he was going to vomit. "I-I..."

Aziraphale reached out and placed a hand on his shoulder, squeezing gently. "It's alright, Crowley, just breathe. What are you trying to tell me?"

"You're my best friend," he blurted.

"And you are mine."

"I'm glad, I am, but I have to know: is that all we'll ever be?"

"What do you mean?"

"I mean, that I love and I hate our friendship. It's wonderful because you're a part of it, but I'm selfish. Maybe it's the demon in me, but I can't help but want more. I want to be closer, want you to fall-"

The hand that was on his shoulder was gone in an instant. "Fall?"

"No! No, not like that. Never like that. I would never want that for you. You're an angel, Aziraphale, it's who you are. What I meant was..." Crowley took off his glasses, his voice turning almost into a whisper as he spoke again. "I meant I wish you would fall... in love with me."

"Oh," Aziraphale softened, "oh Crowley."

"I know as a being of love you're supposed to care for everyone, equally, but I keep hoping that your love for me will be different because you're different to me. You're so wonderful and I've been in love with you for so long, I just...I need to know if you feel even remotely like I do because, because sometimes you give me this look, this smile, and I've been wondering for years if you could feel the same as I do. I know I'm a demon, Aziraphale, but I love you so, so much and it's probably my imagination but sometimes I think you like me too. If I'm wrong just give the word and I'll never bring this up again, I'll keep my distance, and we can forget about this whole thing. But if I'm right, satan, if I'm right, Aziraphale then I need you to tell me, because I almost lost you today. I was so terrified and miserable; it was worse than taking a bath in holy water." Crowley wiped away the tears that were beginning to form and looked at Aziraphale desperately for a sign, for something.

He was enveloped in an awkward hug, their positions not letting them get quite the right angles, but it felt like a lifeline to Crowley all the same. One that he hooked onto with dear life. Aziraphale began to rub soothing circles in his back.

"I'm here now Crowley; I'm here and I'm not going anywhere. And you are, different that is. I've liked you for as long as I've known you, truly, but when you saved my books in that burning church that's when I knew, knew that it was more. Knew that it was love." He leaned back to look Crowley in the eyes. "I love you, more than I ought to really, but I wouldn't change it for a thing. I don't care that you're a demon- it's one of the things I love about you. And when I said I wouldn't leave with you it wasn't because I don't love you, it was because I do. I love our dinners at the Ritz, our terrifying rides in your car, everything, and I didn't want to lose that. I thought of you immediately when I got discorporated. I wondered what you would think, if you were okay, if you were off in the stars. I never wanted to see you so distraught, especially over me." Aziraphale pressed his forehead against the demon's. "I'm okay, love, I promise. We're okay. More than okay now, I would think, so please don't cry."

"You're watering up just as much as me," Crowley sniffled.

Aziraphale laughed lightly as he wiped at Crowley's eyes with the pads of his thumbs. "They're happy tears, love." He kissed the demon's forehead and whispered, "I love you Crowley, and I intend to spend the rest of our lives showing you just how fervently I do. You don't have to keep your distance anymore."

Then he leaned in and kissed Crowley softly on the mouth. It was the first day of the rest of their lives and that kiss, they both decided instantaneously, would be the first of many to come.

Fin.


End file.
